Inside the Life of Me.....

Friday, August 20, 2010

Things I have discovered about life lately...

So, it is quite possible that I have known these following thoughts for quite some time, just was too busy to actually let it sink in... now that I have more time on my hands, I am realizing just how true these things really are...

1. There will ALWAYS be something that I dislike about my appearance... as a woman gets older, this seems inevitable... whether it is a bad hair color, hair cut, zit, too many freckles, tired eyes, dry skin, the side of my nose that somewhat collapsed after I pierced my nose (which I still believe is God's sense of humor since my dad told me NOT TO DO IT, and I did anyways...), a little too much weight in certain areas, etc. I have come to the reality that "God don't make no junk" (which my mother has taught me for years through me bawling my eyes out about something probably lame) and that I need to be happy with "what my momma gave me".. or in my case, mostly my dad! If there is a little more cellulite on me this month, then God intended for it to be there!! Haha, just kidding, really I need to start working out more, but.... there I go again, wishing something were different...

2. I have an incredibly soft side that I HATE for people to see... given to me a la my mother and grandmother and I can't seem to come to grips with it. Don't get me wrong, my family and Tyler have seen it (usually during moments of heartbreak), but I rarely let it slip out. It is so strange to me why I am like this, have been trying to come up with reasons for years... this is what I have come up with:

- I am just not an emotional person (so not true)
- I am tough and don't need anyone's help (wrong again!)
- I am more like my dad (he's a tough guy)--- possibly!
- I have been burnt too many times in the past so I put up the infamous "walls" (hmmmm, doubtful)

So, I am back to wondering, why am I like this? Crying is like pulling teeth for me (Tyler is still offended that I didn't cry coming down the aisle at our wedding.. shame on me, right?!!) I cannot stand mushy talk (my mother knows this about me)... please don't tell me that you are so proud of me or give me a speech about how special I am to you because that would mean I have to tear up, and as you just read... not comfortable. I told my parents I have the perfect mix of them both, I can cry at Hallmark commercials (like my dad, haha j/k, like my mom) and I can be tough as nails (like my dad), so you put those two together and I feel emotionally unstable most of the time! :) No, really, I have accepted that is how I am, proud to say that I am a blend of the two that made me.... and believe it or not, have come to show more of my emotional side lately...

3. God IS important... I grew up in the Beaver Cleaver religious family, so I guess I have always known this, but as I get older I realize it so much more. My mother would say, I had you in church when you were in a baby carrier, and I know I will do the same with my kiddos. I joined a bible study over a year ago and am learning that you cannot put God in a box.... nor will you ever truly understand everything he wants to teach you... but I know that I would have never experienced love, success and what it means to pick yourself back up (by the bootstraps my mom says) without him....so.... in the effort to stop all this emotional talk (we all know how that is for me).. that is all I will touch on right now with this one...

4. You have to lose to truly gain... now there are women out there that found their soulmate early on (ahem... ashley and pat) and it worked out perfectly, but for those of us "unlucky" or in my case "lucky" ones, it "took kissing a lot of frogs".. or however that saying goes. In the past year, I finally realized that I can thank all three of those "frogs" for leading me to Tyler. Each one of them, though ending not so lovely, taught me something that I needed to know to be with Tyler. We will call them 1,2,3. #1 taught me what it feels like to have someone truly care about me, how to trust someone other than myself. #2 taught me that love is based off a friendship and romance, even if we didn't have both of those! #3 (haha, oh man #3) funny that he is numbered this since this is how many times we dated before I realized that I am better off without him! But on a serious note, #3 taught me how to have a relationship that is based on Christian principals, something that I now have with Tyler.

Because of these 3... I have Tyler, I know how to laugh with him, cry with him, pick myself back up, have a best friend and a romance, and a Christian partner... and for that I thank #'s 1,2, and 3.

Have you fallen asleep yet? I seem to have a lot on my mind today...

5. I DO have a creative side, it's just not as creative as my sisters... since I can remember Melissa was always the creative one. She got my grandmothers talent for art and it stuck. I don't remember Ashley really liking "crafts" until she was older, but now looking at her shabby chic house, I see that it made an appearance. I have always wondered, where do I fit in?? I cannot draw to save my life, my sewing is minimal and you don't want to see what my homeade outfit would really look like!

Since I quit my job, I have tried to find a more creative side in me.... hence forth I started this blog and my interest in making "small crafts"... haha. I will never paint murals like Melissa, or build chandeliers like Ashley, but gosh darnit I can make a mean lipgloss! ;)

6. Last but not least..... life is exactly the way it was supposed to be... every single part of it. I don't know if I ever really believed that until now. Life is hard, it is fun, it is challenging, it is unbelievably complex, but I wouldn't change the people in my life or the stage I am in for anything in the world...

And THAT, is what I have discovered about life lately........ ;)

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